There is no room for self-doubt or fretting for the future in “Lookingglass Alice”. This wild and tight 90 minutes of stunts and circus won’t allow for insecurity. I have to rise to the occasion. To climb the 12-foot rolling apparatus that makes me larger than life, to leap and land, both feet magnetized to the hip creases of my partner. To press out of a headstand into a handstand in time with being hauled upwards through a tight hole in the floor by my legs. To stand straight, abs locked, elbows back, hands gripping the calves of the partner standing on my shoulders. To burst out of the darkness into the glaring stage light on stilts with all the glory and confidence of a tyrant. Eye contact. Breath. Go. Steady. Go. Courage. Go. Rise to the Occasion. Go.
I am proudly approaching the final leg of a multi-month run of this incredible collaboration of bodies and minds, and must remember these principles moving into my future March on March. March is going to be a Live Well Month, one that calls for Courage and Rising to the Occasion. It’s an income-free month, full of projects and goals, classes and performances.
In planning my March on March, perusing what I’ve agreed to, building a schedule of meetings, writing time, curriculum planning, rehearsals, budgeting to the penny and making sure I get plenty of exercise, good eats and dog time, what I refuse to let happen is to be crippled by doubting myself. I suffer from Depression, and it manifests in self-hate and ruthless judgement and a desire to give it all up and take a last breath and be done with it.
Courage. Rise to the Occasion. Go.
What good does Self-doubt do? Not self-criticism to keep oneself in check and make sure one is doing things correctly or well or for the right reasons, but rather, that abusive inside voice that says “you can’t”, “you are not smart enough”, “you don’t look right”, “you don’t deserve it”.
There are essays and studies on whether this behavior is based on chemical imbalance, societal pressures, gender constructs, or too much time on Facebook. In the end, it doesn’t matter WHY I do this to myself, but what I can do to stop it. Because not only does it hurt me, it keeps me from supporting, serving, and loving others. It prevents me from performing at the top of my game, from showing up strong, from giving my good stuff to others.
How do I Rise to the Occasion of Life Outside “Alice” with the sense of duty and care as Life Inside “Alice”? (more…)